Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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