Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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