Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize