I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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