I just pynch a tree in the face
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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