Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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