So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
