Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
