I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
