hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
