Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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