Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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