His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize