Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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