i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
