In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
