if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
