I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
