You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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