My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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