I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
