On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
