so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize