I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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