i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
