my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
