Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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