the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
