Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
