U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
