im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
