I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
