Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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