totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It's never too late to be topless.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
