Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
