and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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