Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
