I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
