Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
