He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Randomize
