i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
