So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
