I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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