So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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