I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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