I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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