I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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