Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
It was confusing and full of hummus
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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