Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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