so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize