I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
