I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
