I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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