I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
