I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
im six kinds of drunk right now
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
