I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
