I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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