this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
